Hi folks, here’s the latest in our series of lighthearted ‘slice of life’ dispatches, straight from our anonymous reporter in the field!
American cereal company General Mills came up with this slogan to advertise their Wheaties cereal in the mid-twentieth century, and ‘breakfast of champions’ has since become a common phrase used across the world.
It has mostly been used ironically since its inception, notably by Kurt Vonnegut as the title of his 1973 novel, and is indeed defined by Urban Dictionary as ‘A ironically humorous expression that is used to indicate that a food or beverage isn’t very good for you.’
It certainly is widely available, traditionally paired with the popular cocodamol-fortified orange drink (pictured below), but the question remains, is cereal really the breakfast of champions?
Now, anyone from the local area will know that many of us are often described as ‘brave’, ‘heroic’, ‘flatulent’, ‘possessing a fighting spirit’ and so on – the very hallmarks of a champion! So on this basis, and to boost morale, we decided to undertake some survey research with area residents to see what they prefer to eat in the morning.
Responses ranged considerably across the population, and we have redacted some of the answers which contain excessive levels of expletives or which were simply zombie-like moaning sounds, for the sake of data aggregation and for our own sanity. Here’s a selection of survey answers from the resident champions:
‘Ugh, why does eating have to be a thing?? Surely it can’t be time to eat AGAIN??’
‘I could murder a Gregg’s sausage roll, and possibly also everyone around me. Why are you looking at me like that?’
‘If my dentures survive this calcium chewable tablet, I want some fucking toast and a vape.’
We contacted the kitchen staff to enquire if they had some more quantifiable and coherant data for our research, but in what must have been a technical glitch with the local phone system, we only heard hollow, mocking laugher in response.
With the research somewhat inconclusive, we’ll have to leave the question open for future investigation, perhaps with a more stable population cohort.
And this morning, we urge all residents to at least try to have some breakfast, please something, anything, with calories in it, to ensure we don’t have to threaten them with the feeding tube again!
This research was funded by the Health Service of the People as part of their unceasing oath to place us and keep us all at the visceral, palpating heart of our care.